Thank you for reaching out and extending your hand to lead me. I love the look in your eyes, beckoning to follow, wooing my trust on the path you are leading me. When I think of the relationship I have with you, I realize this is the intimacy, trust, and submission I want to experience with the man you have prepared for me. I know the only way I can experience this close, deep intimacy with a man is if he is also in deep, close, abiding intimacy with You. I will see in his eyes the same gentle beckoning, coaxing to trust and follow. I will see You – I will recognize him by Your Holy Spirit. He will recognize me as his spirit relaxes into the comfort one feels with a dear friend because Your Holy Spirit is with me.
Thank you Jesus for all you are teaching me in this season and thank You for reminding me how much You love me. It is only with You and through You I will come to life everlasting. Guide me in all Your ways and keep me from the snares of the enemy. I pray this all in your precious name Jesus! Amen!
On the long and winding road of my journey to belief and faith in Christ, I dabbled in some new age practices. One in particular was finding my soulmate. This practice was to first make known to the universe my desire to find my soulmate, asking for a sign to identify “the one” who I was meant to be with from the beginning of time. I was to keep my eyes open as I went through my day, and my special totem would make itself known to me.
As I was walking on my break at work, a large white feather entangled in the branches of a bush caught my eye. I knew the moment I saw it, this was my totem. From that moment on, I told no one about my white feather. My soulmate, some point after meeting, would give me a white feather, or something with the image of a white feather, signaling my search was over, my long lost soulmate found.
Fast forward several years, I am a baby Christian, newly baptized, praying sincerely, telling God I did not want my baptism to be an initiation into an exclusive club. I asked God to teach me about who Jesus is, and who He was when he walked the earth. This prayer opened the floodgates, and I began a deep, satisfying relationship with Jesus. I became a true follower. Over this early walk, the Lord asked me to rid myself of all remnants of my wandering on the long and winding road. In obedience, I
destroyed jewelry, video tapes and books, anything not in accordance with God’s word and the path of life I was traveling.
As I attended church and became involved in serving, I developed close friendships with several single women. I had given up dating, allowing God to show me a love beyond my wildest dreams as He promised when I entered into a covenant with Him, promising to remain celibate until I was married again. One of my friends wanted to go to a singles conference at one of the mega churches in our city and I agreed to attend with her.
As I got ready for the two day conference, I found myself praying God reveal my soulmate over the coming days by having this very special man give me a white feather. There must have been a remnant of desire for a loving relationship with a man. During the conference, we worshiped, listened to the featured speakers, and attended breakout groups specific to areas of gifting or interest. It was a wonderful time of fellowship, and I enjoyed spending time with my friend.
On the final night of the conference a young pastor was speaking on purity and God’s will for singles and those seeking marriage. He said at the wrap of his message the Lord had been showing him that many women are wounded from past relationships, and we are like doves with clipped wings, no longer able to fly as God intended. He declared the Lord was saying it was time for healing. The pastor then began to pass around bags of white feathers, telling us each to take one as a symbol of the healing the Lord is doing in our lives.
My eyes filled with tears and my hand shook as I took a feather. I knew the Lord was telling me that He was my one true soulmate, the lover of my soul. In Him, I am complete, my search was over. Peace washed over me, knowing Jesus loves me so much, He answered my ill conceived prayer with His amazing love and grace.
This was over twenty years ago and I still have the feather in my bible, a wonderful reminder Jesus is the lover of my soul. I am complete in Him, the search is over, and I am found. ~♡
Sometimes circumstances in our lives make moving forward in a relationship impossible, yet if you truly love and care about a person, you pray for them, and support them even if circumstances require you take a step back. Sometimes God’s plan is to create a stronger foundation of friendship and love, ensuring our priorities are in order. It is a process of dying to self; a process of sanctification.
If we are patient and willing to trust and follow God’s perfect plan, we will be blessed. The blessing may be a wonderful lifelong Christian friendship, or it may be the start of the love of a lifetime. ~♡
God began this journey painting a picture of true love, and planting a seed of hope within my heart of finding a godly loving man to spend the rest of my life with as husband and wife.
I also know God often uses these ideals to lead, when His intention may only be to teach valuable lessons, and show how much He loves me.
As I have found opportunities to share my story with others, I hope to bring healing, encouragement, and comfort. I know my vulnerability and optimism may be seen as naivete or wrongly encouraging idealism and fantasy, yet I am convinced God wants me to share and encourage others.
At the beginning of this journey my world was small and compartmentalized. I was closed off, shut down, living as a tightly closed bud. The image of a shell tightly closed, much like an oyster where a grain of sand had gotten in and a pearl began forming. With the shell of the oyster tightly closed, no one is aware of the beautiful pearl hidden inside. The image of a poem by Rumi comes to mind, which I think describes the precipice or the crux of where I was at the beginning of this journey.
There is some kiss we want
with our whole lives,
the touch of Spirit on the body.
Seawater begs the pearl
to break its shell.
And the lily, how passionately
it needs some wild Darling!
This image of the tightly closed shell and the seawater begging to break in and release its pearl, speaks to my heart and what I’ve been longing for. I know God knows the desires of my heart better than I know the desires of my heart. I believe God provided an opportunity to have my heart opened. In opening my heart, I become vulnerable, yet the beauty inside my heart is now being shared. The love, compassion, and everything God has placed inside, I am sharing to bless his children for his Kingdom.
Sharing my personal story, I hope to encourage others as God leads. I put it all out there to destroy the lies of the enemy I hear God’s children repeating. I share my failures, flaws, weaknesses, and then speak of God’s great redeeming power and promises He speaks over my life and wispers in my ear in my darkest hours. I am not naive, nor am I blind to the fallen world in which we live. I struggle with sin, as I know we all do. I know as I open my heart to the possibility of love and marrying again, I will face trials and challenges. This is all part of two flawed people learning to love and relate to each other. I also believe that as we make Jesus the sovereign King over our lives, we will go through the process of sanctification and are transformed into the likeness of Christ. The marriage relationship is more about becoming one with God than each individual’s personal comfort and satisfaction. In sharing my heart and my journey, I have complete trust in God’s perfect plan and will for my life. I trust this process knowing that as I seek His face daily, I keep my hands and my heart wide open, letting go of expectations of the outcome. This means I know there may not be a love relationship with a man for me at the end. What I do know is that I give the rest of my life, my whole life, to serving His Kingdom for the glory of His name, using my creative gifts and partnering with others for this purpose. ~♡
I married in my early twenties, knowing it was for all the wrong reasons… we both had doubts we should be together. When you are young, you lack wisdom, but have energy, hope and naivete in spades. Sometimes life breaks us down as we go through trials, our hearts are broken… We either turn to God and allow Him to do His perfect work on our hearts, or we become bitter, cynical, and lose hope.
For my story, I feel more hopeful, healthy, and equipped to be in a godly loving relationship than any other time in my life. I have been divorced for over twenty years, only dating about two years after my divorce. When I finally fully gave my life to Christ, I entered into a covenant relationship with Him, and I stopped dating, committing to grow in my relationship with God. During these years I focused on my career, my education, and becoming deeply rooted in my faith and love for Jesus.
Just this year I felt God stirring me, challenging me to open my heart, let go of all my fears, doubts, and need to predict and control outcomes, just ‘fall’ in love… Through this journey, my heart has opened and I am experiencing a deep connection with God/Jesus/Holy Spirit. In this, I feel incredibly vulnerable. I am learning this is the absolute best place to be. It is when I am most vulnerable, God does His best work. In this state, I am completely dependent, and intimately aware of my need for Him. In this place, I desperately need His leading and guidance.
As I submit and cling to Him, staying intimately close, I am connecting with others, and experiencing incredible divine appointments on a regular basis. Focusing on deepening my relationship with Him, keeping my heart wide open, is the perfect place and time for a godly loving relationship to develop.
There was a point several years ago I felt the chance for a godly loving relationship was gone, and I resolved to being alone and single for the rest of my life. Now I know God’s timing is always perfect. In His perfect plan and will for my life, there is never a too old, too late, or too damaged. I know every day God has something new and wonderful to show me as I risk being vulnerable and commit to keeping my heart wide open. ~♡
On this God led, healing journey, my heart has opened, I’ve fallen in love, and my heart’s been broken… beautifully broken, revealing all of what God wants to heal.
This journey started well over a year ago when I started talking to Papa God about the condition of my heart and inviting Him in… Through this, He has walked with me side by side, showing me the fractured condition of my heart, and revealing the behaviors which lead me down roads which are not a part of His perfect plan for my life.
In this process, God challenged me to let go of control and fall in love. Through this, He teaches me how falling in love is an essential part of having an intimate relationship with Him, holding nothing back, allowing myself to fully give and receive His love.
My Papa God knows me like no other, and He knows how I learn. Through this, He brought a wonderful Christian man into my life and we began corresponding as of January first after a chance, online encounter New Year’s eve. I believe it was through this long-distance connection God provided a safe way for me to ‘fall in love’, letting go of the need to control and figure everything out, stay in the safety of my head. With this man I found a kindred spirit, someone who was interested in the things I said, enjoyed my quirky creative spirit, challenged me, and helped grow my understanding and love for God. God used our connection to reveal the special gifts He has given me, using them to minister, while at the same time blessing me with my friend’s special gifts of encouragement, kindness, and sacrificial love.
We shared little bits of our lives with each other through email, texts, and phone calls. We prayed for each other as we faced challenges, both large and small. When my friend faced a difficult, life changing decision, I prayed for him. The challenges he faced and the decisions he made to manage the circumstances in his life, made it impossible for us to continue our correspondence and growing friendship. This broke my heart and affected me at a much deeper level than I expected and have struggled to understand. God has been with me through it all, letting me know how much He loves me. He reminds me daily He is with me, true to His promise He will never leave me nor forsake me.
Papa God sends me songs to help me understand all He is teaching me, or wants me to know, and in an effort to help me through this loss, this unfamiliar pain I am feeling, He sent me the song You Matter to Me. Through this song, I feel Him telling me the loss I feel so deeply is because, with my friend, I felt a connection, a deep and meaningful connection. I felt I mattered, and the things I said, mattered to someone. There was someone in my life I deeply cared for, and his life mattered to me. I felt seen, loved and cherished for who I am, all of me, flaws and all. I know I loved and cherished him, all of him, all of his perfect imperfections. He was my friend and I let myself fall in love. I did so knowing there was ‘very little hope’ of us ending up together, but I let that go to trust in God and His perfect will and plan. I let go of needing to control and predict outcomes in an effort to protect my heart. In this, God asked me to open my heart completely because to truly understand His love I need to risk getting my heart broken. This is how God loves, this is how God loves me and how He will love others through me; with my whole heart, fully open, completely vulnerable. ~ ♥
I have wanted a pair of purple high-top Chuck Taylor sneakers for a while. Maybe even as long ago as five years. They symbolize a right of passage, moving from the norms and expectations for a “woman of a certain age”, and letting go of the need to please anyone but my Creator and myself. God created me exactly how He did for His plan and purpose, and I know this includes the wide eyed little girl who ran when she heard the doorbell ring, sure her purple Chucks would be sitting on the porch! Their arrival had her jumping up and down, barely able to contain her excitement.
Thoughts of paring them with a skirt, dress, or a pair of shorts had me giddy at thinking of the outlandish statement I would make.
I had this pair made using the customize option through Converse.com. I picked purple of course, and added “Only Love” text on the side wall, and “God is Love” on the outside lower heel.
Purple is the color of royalty and serves to remind me I am a princess, a daughter of the King. I stand firm on the truth that God is Love, and Love is all there is, only love, only God. As I put on these shoes, they remind me as I walk in the world, I desire to tell the good news of peace, and walk in His truth as a representative of His Kingdom whose foundation is Love. ~ ♡
Ephesians 10 – 19
10 Finally, let the mighty strength of the Lord make you strong. 11 Put on all the armor that God gives, so you can defend yourself against the devil’s tricks. 12 We are not fighting against humans. We are fighting against forces and authorities and against rulers of darkness and powers in the spiritual world. 13 So put on all the armor that God gives. Then when that evil day comes, you will be able to defend yourself. And when the battle is over, you will still be standing firm.
14 Be ready! Let the truth be like a belt around your waist, and let God’s justice protect you like armor. 15 Your desire to tell the good news about peace should be like shoes on your feet. 16 Let your faith be like a shield, and you will be able to stop all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Let God’s saving power be like a helmet, and for a sword use God’s message that comes from the Spirit.
18 Never stop praying, especially for others. Always pray by the power of the Spirit. Stay alert and keep praying for God’s people. 19 Pray that I will be given the message to speak and that I may fearlessly explain the mystery about the good news.
I have a true love. He is my healer and He brings peace and stability as the winds of change swirl around me. I am blessed! ~♡
Si, eres tu amigo ~♡