The Holy Spirit is on the Move!

This is the photo on my calendar for June. A white horse represents the Holy Spirit, and in the picture, this beautiful white horse is on the move. Since I flipped the calendar page to June, the Lord has been whispering to me that the Holy Spirit is on the move! He is moving in my life and in the lives of my family, friends, my community! I praise Your Holy name Jesus! I thank you for answered prayers, and prayers You are actively answering right now in ways seen and unseen! I know You are moving in my life, in my heart and mind, and making me increasingly sensitive and in tune with Your Holy Spirit.
Holy Spirit, like a mighty rushing wind, move in the lives and all situations of my family and friends and growing community I have prayed for and on behalf of. I pray salvation, deliverance from depression, healing from cancer, healing from diseases of all kinds, favor in legal matters, sales of property, finding of beautiful new dwellings to call home, encounters and relationship building for those longing for a spouse according to your perfect will and Kingdom purposes. I pray each person I am praying for will feel a sense of peace and confidence as each casts all their cares on You. I pray each will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that You care for him/her and that You are for him/her. I pray this all in Your beautiful and Holy name Jesus! Amen!

Lover of my Soul

On the long and winding road of my journey to belief and faith in Christ, I dabbled in some new age practices. One in particular was finding my soulmate. This practice was to first make known to the universe my desire to find my soulmate, asking for a sign to identify “the one” who I was meant to be with from the beginning of time. I was to keep my eyes open as I went through my day, and my special totem would make itself known to me.

As I was walking on my break at work, a large white feather entangled in the branches of a bush caught my eye. I knew the moment I saw it, this was my totem. From that moment on, I told no one about my white feather. My soulmate, some point after meeting, would give me a white feather, or something with the image of a white feather, signaling my search was over, my long lost soulmate found.

Fast forward several years, I am a baby Christian, newly baptized, praying sincerely, telling God I did not want my baptism to be an initiation into an exclusive club. I asked God to teach me about who Jesus is, and who He was when he walked the earth. This prayer opened the floodgates, and I began a deep, satisfying relationship with Jesus. I became a true follower. Over this early walk, the Lord asked me to rid myself of all remnants of my wandering on the long and winding road. In obedience, I
destroyed jewelry, video tapes and books, anything not in accordance with God’s word and the path of life I was traveling.

As I attended church and became involved in serving, I developed close friendships with several single women. I had given up dating, allowing God to show me a love beyond my wildest dreams as He promised when I entered into a covenant with Him, promising to remain celibate until I was married again. One of my friends wanted to go to a singles conference at one of the mega churches in our city and I agreed to attend with her.

As I got ready for the two day conference, I found myself praying God reveal my soulmate over the coming days by having this very special man give me a white feather. There must have been a remnant of desire for a loving relationship with a man. During the conference, we worshiped, listened to the featured speakers, and attended breakout groups specific to areas of gifting or interest. It was a wonderful time of fellowship, and I enjoyed spending time with my friend.

On the final night of the conference a young pastor was speaking on purity and God’s will for singles and those seeking marriage. He said at the wrap of his message the Lord had been showing him that many women are wounded from past relationships, and we are like doves with clipped wings, no longer able to fly as God intended. He declared the Lord was saying it was time for healing. The pastor then began to pass around bags of white feathers, telling us each to take one as a symbol of the healing the Lord is doing in our lives.

My eyes filled with tears and my hand shook as I took a feather. I knew the Lord was telling me that He was my one true soulmate, the lover of my soul. In Him, I am complete, my search was over. Peace washed over me, knowing Jesus loves me so much, He answered my ill conceived prayer with His amazing love and grace.

This was over twenty years ago and I still have the feather in my bible, a wonderful reminder Jesus is the lover of my soul. I am complete in Him, the search is over, and I am found. ~♡

Too Late, Too Damaged…

I married in my early twenties, knowing it was for all the wrong reasons… we both had doubts we should be together.  When you are young, you lack wisdom, but have energy, hope and naivete in spades.  Sometimes life breaks us down as we go through trials,  our hearts are broken… We either turn to God and allow Him to do His perfect work on our hearts, or we become bitter, cynical, and lose hope.

For my story, I feel more hopeful, healthy, and equipped to be in a godly loving relationship than any other time in my life.  I have been divorced for over twenty years, only dating about two years after my divorce.  When I finally fully gave my life to Christ, I entered into a covenant relationship with Him, and I stopped dating, committing to grow in my relationship with God.  During these years I focused on my career, my education, and becoming deeply rooted in my faith and love for Jesus.

Just this year I felt God stirring me, challenging me to open my heart, let go of all my fears, doubts, and need to predict and control outcomes, just ‘fall’ in love… Through this journey, my heart has opened and I am experiencing a deep connection with God/Jesus/Holy Spirit.  In this, I feel incredibly vulnerable.  I am learning this is the absolute best place to be.  It is when I am most vulnerable, God does His best work.  In this state, I am completely dependent, and intimately aware of my need for Him.  In this place, I desperately need His leading and guidance.

As I submit and cling to Him, staying intimately close, I am connecting with others, and experiencing incredible divine appointments on a regular basis.  Focusing on deepening my relationship with Him, keeping my heart wide open, is the perfect place and time for a godly loving relationship to develop.

There was a point several years ago I felt the chance for a godly loving relationship was gone, and I resolved to being alone and single for the rest of my life.  Now I know God’s timing is always perfect.  In His perfect plan and will for my life, there is never a too old, too late, or too damaged.  I know every day God has something new and wonderful to show me as I risk being vulnerable and commit to keeping my heart wide open. ~♡

Beauty for ashes small

You Matter to Me…

On this God led, healing journey, my heart has opened, I’ve fallen in love, and my heart’s been broken… beautifully broken, revealing all of what God wants to heal.

This journey started well over a year ago when I started talking to Papa God about the condition of my heart and inviting Him in…  Through this, He has walked with me side by side, showing me the fractured condition of my heart, and revealing the behaviors which lead me down roads which are not a part of His perfect plan for my life.

In this process, God challenged me to let go of control and fall in love.  Through this, He teaches me how falling in love is an essential part of having an intimate relationship with Him, holding nothing back, allowing myself to fully give and receive His love.

My Papa God knows me like no other, and He knows how I learn.  Through this, He brought a wonderful Christian man into my life and we began corresponding as of January first after a chance, online encounter New Year’s eve.  I believe it was through this long-distance connection God provided a safe way for me to ‘fall in love’, letting go of the need to control and figure everything out, stay in the safety of my head.  With this man I found a kindred spirit, someone who was interested in the things I said, enjoyed my quirky creative spirit, challenged me, and helped grow my understanding and love for God.  God used our connection to reveal the special gifts He has given me, using them to minister, while at the same time blessing me with my friend’s special gifts of encouragement, kindness, and sacrificial love.

We shared little bits of our lives with each other through email, texts, and phone calls. We prayed for each other as we faced challenges, both large and small.  When my friend faced a difficult, life changing decision, I prayed for him.  The challenges he faced and the decisions he made to manage the circumstances in his life, made it impossible for us to continue our correspondence and growing friendship.  This broke my heart and affected me at a much deeper level than I expected and have struggled to understand.  God has been with me through it all, letting me know how much He loves me.  He reminds me daily He is with me, true to His promise He will never leave me nor forsake me.

Papa God sends me songs to help me understand all He is teaching me, or wants me to know, and in an effort to help me through this loss, this unfamiliar pain I am feeling, He sent me the song You Matter to Me.  Through this song, I feel Him telling me the loss I feel so deeply is because, with my friend, I felt a connection, a deep and meaningful connection.  I felt I mattered, and the things I said, mattered to someone.  There was someone in my life I deeply cared for, and his life mattered to me. I felt seen, loved and cherished for who I am, all of me, flaws and all.  I know I loved and cherished him, all of him, all of his perfect imperfections.  He was my friend and I let myself fall in love.  I did so knowing there was ‘very little hope’ of us ending up together, but I let that go to trust in God and His perfect will and plan.  I let go of needing to control and predict outcomes in an effort to protect my heart.  In this, God asked me to open my heart completely because to truly understand His love I need to risk getting my heart broken.  This is how God loves, this is how God loves me and how He will love others through me; with my whole heart, fully open, completely vulnerable. ~ ♥

Harvest Moon

Today is the harvest moon. God gave me a promise five months ago, telling me it would be fulfilled come the harvest moon.  Gone is the season of sorrow, waiting, and mourning.  Today I am letting go.  Today in fulfillment of His promise I let go of the ‘very little hope’ I clung to and now realize is only holding me back from all God has for me  from this day forward.

God’s Promise in This Season

“In the soil now, I surrender,  You are breaking new ground.
So I yield to You and to Your careful hand.
When I trust You I don’t need to understand.”
I hear God speaking to me, telling me to open my hands.
I cannot hold on, I must open my hands and let go…
Open hands to receive.

In the soil now, I surrender…
A time to withdraw, stay still and quiet; a time to rest.
There is nothing else to do but obey and surrender…
I am not gone, nor am I buried and dead, for I am a seed.

You may not see me, hear me, however, I am here, filled with hope, promise, and love.
Water me with your love and prayers, and when the harvest moon rises, I’ll be in full bloom; God’s perfect work complete.

New Wine

In the crushing
In the pressing
You are making new wine.
In the soil I now surrender.
You are breaking new ground.

So I yield to You and to Your careful hand.
When I trust You I don’t need to understand.

Make me Your vessel,
Make me an offering,
Make me whatever You want me to be.
I came here with nothing,
But all You have given me.
Jesus bring new wine out of me.

In the crushing,
In the pressing,
You are making new wine.
In the soil I now surrender,
You are breaking new ground.
You are breaking new ground.
Where there is new wine,
There is new power,
There is new freedom,
The Kingdom is here.
I lay down my old flames,
To carry Your new fire today. 

Songwriters: Brooke Ligertwood
New Wine lyrics © Capitol Christian Music Group

The Pieces of my Heart

I know He promises beauty for ashes, but the pain and shame coming forth, or just below the surface as I walk through my day is overwhelming.

So much of what I am processing are old wounds and abuse from my past.  I thought I had addressed these issues, but I have come to understand, I have not experienced the emotions and feelings which keep me repeating unhealthy, limiting behaviors.

I had to leave work early, unable to focus as raw emotions kept surfacing.  I am finding things people say become triggers, stirring feelings I have no idea how to handle, or let out.  I need to feel safe, but I don’t know where or who ‘safe’ is.

This journey of healing began well over a year ago, and the Lord has made it clear what He is leading me through, and His divine purposes to be accomplished in my life as these wounds are dealt with and healed.  He made it clear as I continue repeating behaviors which result from the wounds in my soul, I will harm myself and others, despite my good intentions.

He wants to use the gifts He has given me, but in my current state, they are too entangled with my wounds.

God sent me the song Pieces at the beginning of this journey.  He used this song to teach me about healthy love and challenged me to look at all the ways my heart was fractured and in pieces.  He showed me I compartmentalize how I love in my life, hiding away little bits, and loving with only little fragments of my heart.  This song meant so much to me, I printed out the lyrics, folded it in thirds, and placed it under my keyboard at work.  I would periodically open it and read it as if it were a love letter from God.

As I arrived home from work Friday, feeling broken and raw, trying to understand the deep pain and shame rising in torrents, I let songs cycle through my YouTube account.  I believe God sent me this version of Piecessung by Amanda Cook.

This version of the song has spontaneous prophetic declaration in the beginning before she breaks into singing the song.  The following is what she is declaring, I believe over me and the process I am going through right now…
You’re giving us new memories,
You’re giving us new memories, all the places shame wrote our story.
You’re giving us Your memory,
it’s not just perspective, it’s innocence restored.
You’re giving us Your memory,
You’re giving us a new memory,
You are rewriting our story, our story with Your love. 
praise God

 

This song sweetly says what I believe God is doing in my life right now…

The song is Pieces,  the song He gave me at the beginning of this journey over a year ago.

Unreserved, unrestrained, Your love is wild, Your love is wild for me.
It isn’t shy, it’s unashamed, Your love is proud to be seen with me.
You don’t give your heart in pieces, you don’t hide yourself to tease us.
Uncontrolled, uncontained, You love is a fire
Burning bright for me.
It’s not just a spark, it’s not just a flame, Your love is a light 
That all the world will see 
That all the world will see
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us. 
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us.
Your love’s not fractured, it’s not a troubled mind. 
It isn’t anxious, 
It’s not the restless kind.
Your love’s not passive, 
It’s never disengaged. 
It’s always present, 
It hangs on every word we say. 
Love keeps its promises, 
It keeps its word. 
It honors what’s sacred 
Cause its vows are good. 
Your love’s not broken, 
It’s not insecure. 
Your love’s not selfish, 
You love is pure.
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us. 
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us.
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us
Songwriters: Caroline Ailin / Philip Cook / Thomas Gregersen
Pieces lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Songtrust Ave, BMG Rights Management