Longing is a beautiful thing…

Longing lives inside of me…it isn’t something I can turn off, I am only able to distract it with activity or food, salty, sweet, then salty again. When everything is settled and quiet, the emptiness inside grows, gnawing away until I sink into the deep bottomless hole of missing the one thing I want so badly….connection. A voice, whispering my name, a gentle touch, knowing I matter to someone. Longing is half poison, half hope.

The Holy Spirit is on the Move!

This is the photo on my calendar for June. A white horse represents the Holy Spirit, and in the picture, this beautiful white horse is on the move. Since I flipped the calendar page to June, the Lord has been whispering to me that the Holy Spirit is on the move! He is moving in my life and in the lives of my family, friends, my community! I praise Your Holy name Jesus! I thank you for answered prayers, and prayers You are actively answering right now in ways seen and unseen! I know You are moving in my life, in my heart and mind, and making me increasingly sensitive and in tune with Your Holy Spirit.
Holy Spirit, like a mighty rushing wind, move in the lives and all situations of my family and friends and growing community I have prayed for and on behalf of. I pray salvation, deliverance from depression, healing from cancer, healing from diseases of all kinds, favor in legal matters, sales of property, finding of beautiful new dwellings to call home, encounters and relationship building for those longing for a spouse according to your perfect will and Kingdom purposes. I pray each person I am praying for will feel a sense of peace and confidence as each casts all their cares on You. I pray each will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that You care for him/her and that You are for him/her. I pray this all in Your beautiful and Holy name Jesus! Amen!

I Will Know Him

Dear Jesus,

Thank you for reaching out and extending your hand to lead me. I love the look in your eyes, beckoning to follow, wooing my trust on the path you are leading me. When I think of the relationship I have with you, I realize this is the intimacy, trust, and submission I want to experience with the man you have prepared for me. I know the only way I can experience this close, deep intimacy with a man is if he is also in deep, close, abiding intimacy with You. I will see in his eyes the same gentle beckoning, coaxing to trust and follow. I will see You – I will recognize him by Your Holy Spirit. He will recognize me as his spirit relaxes into the comfort one feels with a dear friend because Your Holy Spirit is with me.

Thank you Jesus for all you are teaching me in this season and thank You for reminding me how much You love me. It is only with You and through You I will come to life everlasting. Guide me in all Your ways and keep me from the snares of the enemy. I pray this all in your precious name Jesus! Amen!

Worth the Wait

Sometimes circumstances in our lives make moving forward in a relationship impossible, yet if you truly love and care about a person, you pray for them, and support them even if circumstances require you take a step back. Sometimes God’s plan is to create a stronger foundation of friendship and love, ensuring our priorities are in order. It is a process of dying to self; a process of sanctification.
If we are patient and willing to trust and follow God’s perfect plan, we will be blessed. The blessing may be a wonderful lifelong Christian friendship, or it may be the start of the love of a lifetime. ~♡

Into Faith I Go…

I love how God sends me songs just when I need them, confirming all He is teaching, saying ‘Well done, you are listening!’  It has been a while since I have heard from God in this way and I have missed it, began to crave it.  

This song “Into Faith I Go”, by Pat Barrett, came through my YouTube feed, and once I heard it, I knew it was from God, telling me not to give up, stay the course and keep pushing through. Through this song, I hear Him saying to me, “I know it is scary, I know you are tired, but fear is no longer an option.  Turning back and assuming old behaviors and roles is no longer an option.   I love how you look for me in every experience, every day.  I hear your prayers to know me more intimately.  I hear your prayers to sharpen your eyes to see what I want you to see, to hear what I want you to hear, and the courage to say the things I want you to say in each encounter.   There is so much I want to show you, people I want you to meet, and unspeakable joy to experience.  I am with you, walking beside you, I am so very proud of you my beloved!”

Into Faith I Go

I’ve never been good at change
If I’m honest, it’s always scared me
But I can’t deny this stirring deep inside me
Now I know it’s time to stop resisting
‘Cause I’m not getting any younger
Fear is a such a sad way to live a life
So face to the wind, I’m jumping out, I’m walking in
Every single thing You want to show me
To the ups and downs, the highs and lows
The taking in, the letting go
To tears and laughter, the great unknown
To the open journey, into faith, I go
Into faith, I go
Nobody said this would be easy
Anyone who did never went through anything painful
But faith is not some fragile thing that 
Shatters when we walk through something hard
So, we walk on whatever may come
To the ups and downs, the highs and lows
The taking in, the letting go
To tears and laughter, the great unknown
To the open journey, into faith, I go
Running like a child in an open field
Stepping off the edge, I’m facing all my fears
If this is what it feels like to be born again
I’ll be born again
So when I feel like giving up
When I feel like throwing it all away
I look back over my shoulder
And I can see Your goodness every single step that I have taken
And it beats like a drum
And it rings like a bell
And it sings like a choir
And it’s leading me on my way
Oh, You lead me on my way
To the ups and downs, the highs and lows
The taking in, the letting go
To tears and laughter, the great unknown
To the open journey, into faith, I go
Into faith, I go
Into faith, I go

 

Songwriters: Ed Cash / Pat Barrett
Into Faith I Go lyrics © Music Services, Inc

frozen wave against sunlight
Photo by Hernan Pauccara on Pexels.com

The Touch of Spirit…

God began this journey painting a picture of true love, and planting a seed of hope within my heart of finding a godly loving man to spend the rest of my life with as husband and wife.

I also know God often uses these ideals to lead, when His intention may only be to teach valuable lessons, and show how much He loves me.
As I have found opportunities to share my story with others, I hope to bring healing, encouragement, and comfort.  I know my vulnerability and optimism may be seen as naivete or wrongly encouraging idealism and fantasy, yet I am convinced God wants me to share and encourage others.

At the beginning of this journey my world was small and compartmentalized.  I was closed off, shut down, living as a tightly closed bud. The image of a shell tightly closed, much like an oyster where a grain of sand had gotten in and a pearl began forming. With the shell of the oyster tightly closed, no one is aware of the beautiful pearl hidden inside.  The image of a poem by Rumi comes to mind, which I think describes the precipice or the crux of where I was at the beginning of this journey.

There is some kiss we want
with our whole lives,
the touch of Spirit on the body.

Seawater begs the pearl
to break its shell.

And the lily, how passionately
it needs some wild Darling!

~ Rumi

This image of the tightly closed shell and the seawater begging to break in and release its pearl, speaks to my heart and what I’ve been longing for.  I know God knows the desires of my heart better than I know the desires of my heart.  I believe God provided an opportunity to have my heart opened.  In opening my heart, I become vulnerable, yet the beauty inside my heart is now being shared.  The love, compassion, and everything God has placed inside, I am sharing to bless his children for his Kingdom.
Sharing my personal story, I hope to encourage others as God leads. I put it all out there to destroy the lies of the enemy I hear God’s children repeating. I share my failures, flaws, weaknesses, and then speak of God’s great redeeming power and promises He speaks over my life and wispers in my ear in my darkest hours.  I am not naive, nor am I blind to the fallen world in which we live.  I struggle with sin, as I know we all do.  I know as I open my heart to the possibility of love and marrying again, I will face trials and challenges.  This is all part of two flawed people learning to love and relate to each other.  I also believe that as we make Jesus the sovereign King over our lives, we will go through the process of sanctification and are transformed into the likeness of Christ.  The marriage relationship is more about becoming one with God than each individual’s personal comfort and satisfaction.  In sharing my heart and my journey, I have complete trust in God’s perfect plan and will for my life.  I trust this process knowing that as I seek His face daily, I keep my hands and my heart wide open, letting go of expectations of the outcome.  This means I know there may not be a love relationship with a man for me at the end. What I do know is that I give the rest of my life, my whole life, to serving His Kingdom for the glory of His name, using my creative gifts and partnering with others for this purpose. ~♡

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Too Late, Too Damaged…

I married in my early twenties, knowing it was for all the wrong reasons… we both had doubts we should be together.  When you are young, you lack wisdom, but have energy, hope and naivete in spades.  Sometimes life breaks us down as we go through trials,  our hearts are broken… We either turn to God and allow Him to do His perfect work on our hearts, or we become bitter, cynical, and lose hope.

For my story, I feel more hopeful, healthy, and equipped to be in a godly loving relationship than any other time in my life.  I have been divorced for over twenty years, only dating about two years after my divorce.  When I finally fully gave my life to Christ, I entered into a covenant relationship with Him, and I stopped dating, committing to grow in my relationship with God.  During these years I focused on my career, my education, and becoming deeply rooted in my faith and love for Jesus.

Just this year I felt God stirring me, challenging me to open my heart, let go of all my fears, doubts, and need to predict and control outcomes, just ‘fall’ in love… Through this journey, my heart has opened and I am experiencing a deep connection with God/Jesus/Holy Spirit.  In this, I feel incredibly vulnerable.  I am learning this is the absolute best place to be.  It is when I am most vulnerable, God does His best work.  In this state, I am completely dependent, and intimately aware of my need for Him.  In this place, I desperately need His leading and guidance.

As I submit and cling to Him, staying intimately close, I am connecting with others, and experiencing incredible divine appointments on a regular basis.  Focusing on deepening my relationship with Him, keeping my heart wide open, is the perfect place and time for a godly loving relationship to develop.

There was a point several years ago I felt the chance for a godly loving relationship was gone, and I resolved to being alone and single for the rest of my life.  Now I know God’s timing is always perfect.  In His perfect plan and will for my life, there is never a too old, too late, or too damaged.  I know every day God has something new and wonderful to show me as I risk being vulnerable and commit to keeping my heart wide open. ~♡

Beauty for ashes small

Harvest Moon

Today is the harvest moon. God gave me a promise five months ago, telling me it would be fulfilled come the harvest moon.  Gone is the season of sorrow, waiting, and mourning.  Today I am letting go.  Today in fulfillment of His promise I let go of the ‘very little hope’ I clung to and now realize is only holding me back from all God has for me  from this day forward.

God’s Promise in This Season

“In the soil now, I surrender,  You are breaking new ground.
So I yield to You and to Your careful hand.
When I trust You I don’t need to understand.”
I hear God speaking to me, telling me to open my hands.
I cannot hold on, I must open my hands and let go…
Open hands to receive.

In the soil now, I surrender…
A time to withdraw, stay still and quiet; a time to rest.
There is nothing else to do but obey and surrender…
I am not gone, nor am I buried and dead, for I am a seed.

You may not see me, hear me, however, I am here, filled with hope, promise, and love.
Water me with your love and prayers, and when the harvest moon rises, I’ll be in full bloom; God’s perfect work complete.

New Wine

In the crushing
In the pressing
You are making new wine.
In the soil I now surrender.
You are breaking new ground.

So I yield to You and to Your careful hand.
When I trust You I don’t need to understand.

Make me Your vessel,
Make me an offering,
Make me whatever You want me to be.
I came here with nothing,
But all You have given me.
Jesus bring new wine out of me.

In the crushing,
In the pressing,
You are making new wine.
In the soil I now surrender,
You are breaking new ground.
You are breaking new ground.
Where there is new wine,
There is new power,
There is new freedom,
The Kingdom is here.
I lay down my old flames,
To carry Your new fire today. 

Songwriters: Brooke Ligertwood
New Wine lyrics © Capitol Christian Music Group

The Pieces of my Heart

I know He promises beauty for ashes, but the pain and shame coming forth, or just below the surface as I walk through my day is overwhelming.

So much of what I am processing are old wounds and abuse from my past.  I thought I had addressed these issues, but I have come to understand, I have not experienced the emotions and feelings which keep me repeating unhealthy, limiting behaviors.

I had to leave work early, unable to focus as raw emotions kept surfacing.  I am finding things people say become triggers, stirring feelings I have no idea how to handle, or let out.  I need to feel safe, but I don’t know where or who ‘safe’ is.

This journey of healing began well over a year ago, and the Lord has made it clear what He is leading me through, and His divine purposes to be accomplished in my life as these wounds are dealt with and healed.  He made it clear as I continue repeating behaviors which result from the wounds in my soul, I will harm myself and others, despite my good intentions.

He wants to use the gifts He has given me, but in my current state, they are too entangled with my wounds.

God sent me the song Pieces at the beginning of this journey.  He used this song to teach me about healthy love and challenged me to look at all the ways my heart was fractured and in pieces.  He showed me I compartmentalize how I love in my life, hiding away little bits, and loving with only little fragments of my heart.  This song meant so much to me, I printed out the lyrics, folded it in thirds, and placed it under my keyboard at work.  I would periodically open it and read it as if it were a love letter from God.

As I arrived home from work Friday, feeling broken and raw, trying to understand the deep pain and shame rising in torrents, I let songs cycle through my YouTube account.  I believe God sent me this version of Piecessung by Amanda Cook.

This version of the song has spontaneous prophetic declaration in the beginning before she breaks into singing the song.  The following is what she is declaring, I believe over me and the process I am going through right now…
You’re giving us new memories,
You’re giving us new memories, all the places shame wrote our story.
You’re giving us Your memory,
it’s not just perspective, it’s innocence restored.
You’re giving us Your memory,
You’re giving us a new memory,
You are rewriting our story, our story with Your love. 
praise God

 

This song sweetly says what I believe God is doing in my life right now…

The song is Pieces,  the song He gave me at the beginning of this journey over a year ago.

Unreserved, unrestrained, Your love is wild, Your love is wild for me.
It isn’t shy, it’s unashamed, Your love is proud to be seen with me.
You don’t give your heart in pieces, you don’t hide yourself to tease us.
Uncontrolled, uncontained, You love is a fire
Burning bright for me.
It’s not just a spark, it’s not just a flame, Your love is a light 
That all the world will see 
That all the world will see
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us. 
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us.
Your love’s not fractured, it’s not a troubled mind. 
It isn’t anxious, 
It’s not the restless kind.
Your love’s not passive, 
It’s never disengaged. 
It’s always present, 
It hangs on every word we say. 
Love keeps its promises, 
It keeps its word. 
It honors what’s sacred 
Cause its vows are good. 
Your love’s not broken, 
It’s not insecure. 
Your love’s not selfish, 
You love is pure.
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us. 
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us.
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us
Songwriters: Caroline Ailin / Philip Cook / Thomas Gregersen
Pieces lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Songtrust Ave, BMG Rights Management