Lover of my Soul

On the long and winding road of my journey to belief and faith in Christ, I dabbled in some new age practices. One in particular was finding my soulmate. This practice was to first make known to the universe my desire to find my soulmate, asking for a sign to identify “the one” who I was meant to be with from the beginning of time. I was to keep my eyes open as I went through my day, and my special totem would make itself known to me.

As I was walking on my break at work, a large white feather entangled in the branches of a bush caught my eye. I knew the moment I saw it, this was my totem. From that moment on, I told no one about my white feather. My soulmate, some point after meeting, would give me a white feather, or something with the image of a white feather, signaling my search was over, my long lost soulmate found.

Fast forward several years, I am a baby Christian, newly baptized, praying sincerely, telling God I did not want my baptism to be an initiation into an exclusive club. I asked God to teach me about who Jesus is, and who He was when he walked the earth. This prayer opened the floodgates, and I began a deep, satisfying relationship with Jesus. I became a true follower. Over this early walk, the Lord asked me to rid myself of all remnants of my wandering on the long and winding road. In obedience, I
destroyed jewelry, video tapes and books, anything not in accordance with God’s word and the path of life I was traveling.

As I attended church and became involved in serving, I developed close friendships with several single women. I had given up dating, allowing God to show me a love beyond my wildest dreams as He promised when I entered into a covenant with Him, promising to remain celibate until I was married again. One of my friends wanted to go to a singles conference at one of the mega churches in our city and I agreed to attend with her.

As I got ready for the two day conference, I found myself praying God reveal my soulmate over the coming days by having this very special man give me a white feather. There must have been a remnant of desire for a loving relationship with a man. During the conference, we worshiped, listened to the featured speakers, and attended breakout groups specific to areas of gifting or interest. It was a wonderful time of fellowship, and I enjoyed spending time with my friend.

On the final night of the conference a young pastor was speaking on purity and God’s will for singles and those seeking marriage. He said at the wrap of his message the Lord had been showing him that many women are wounded from past relationships, and we are like doves with clipped wings, no longer able to fly as God intended. He declared the Lord was saying it was time for healing. The pastor then began to pass around bags of white feathers, telling us each to take one as a symbol of the healing the Lord is doing in our lives.

My eyes filled with tears and my hand shook as I took a feather. I knew the Lord was telling me that He was my one true soulmate, the lover of my soul. In Him, I am complete, my search was over. Peace washed over me, knowing Jesus loves me so much, He answered my ill conceived prayer with His amazing love and grace.

This was over twenty years ago and I still have the feather in my bible, a wonderful reminder Jesus is the lover of my soul. I am complete in Him, the search is over, and I am found. ~♡

Into Faith I Go…

I love how God sends me songs just when I need them, confirming all He is teaching, saying ‘Well done, you are listening!’  It has been a while since I have heard from God in this way and I have missed it, began to crave it.  

This song “Into Faith I Go”, by Pat Barrett, came through my YouTube feed, and once I heard it, I knew it was from God, telling me not to give up, stay the course and keep pushing through. Through this song, I hear Him saying to me, “I know it is scary, I know you are tired, but fear is no longer an option.  Turning back and assuming old behaviors and roles is no longer an option.   I love how you look for me in every experience, every day.  I hear your prayers to know me more intimately.  I hear your prayers to sharpen your eyes to see what I want you to see, to hear what I want you to hear, and the courage to say the things I want you to say in each encounter.   There is so much I want to show you, people I want you to meet, and unspeakable joy to experience.  I am with you, walking beside you, I am so very proud of you my beloved!”

Into Faith I Go

I’ve never been good at change
If I’m honest, it’s always scared me
But I can’t deny this stirring deep inside me
Now I know it’s time to stop resisting
‘Cause I’m not getting any younger
Fear is a such a sad way to live a life
So face to the wind, I’m jumping out, I’m walking in
Every single thing You want to show me
To the ups and downs, the highs and lows
The taking in, the letting go
To tears and laughter, the great unknown
To the open journey, into faith, I go
Into faith, I go
Nobody said this would be easy
Anyone who did never went through anything painful
But faith is not some fragile thing that 
Shatters when we walk through something hard
So, we walk on whatever may come
To the ups and downs, the highs and lows
The taking in, the letting go
To tears and laughter, the great unknown
To the open journey, into faith, I go
Running like a child in an open field
Stepping off the edge, I’m facing all my fears
If this is what it feels like to be born again
I’ll be born again
So when I feel like giving up
When I feel like throwing it all away
I look back over my shoulder
And I can see Your goodness every single step that I have taken
And it beats like a drum
And it rings like a bell
And it sings like a choir
And it’s leading me on my way
Oh, You lead me on my way
To the ups and downs, the highs and lows
The taking in, the letting go
To tears and laughter, the great unknown
To the open journey, into faith, I go
Into faith, I go
Into faith, I go

 

Songwriters: Ed Cash / Pat Barrett
Into Faith I Go lyrics © Music Services, Inc

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Photo by Hernan Pauccara on Pexels.com

Too Late, Too Damaged…

I married in my early twenties, knowing it was for all the wrong reasons… we both had doubts we should be together.  When you are young, you lack wisdom, but have energy, hope and naivete in spades.  Sometimes life breaks us down as we go through trials,  our hearts are broken… We either turn to God and allow Him to do His perfect work on our hearts, or we become bitter, cynical, and lose hope.

For my story, I feel more hopeful, healthy, and equipped to be in a godly loving relationship than any other time in my life.  I have been divorced for over twenty years, only dating about two years after my divorce.  When I finally fully gave my life to Christ, I entered into a covenant relationship with Him, and I stopped dating, committing to grow in my relationship with God.  During these years I focused on my career, my education, and becoming deeply rooted in my faith and love for Jesus.

Just this year I felt God stirring me, challenging me to open my heart, let go of all my fears, doubts, and need to predict and control outcomes, just ‘fall’ in love… Through this journey, my heart has opened and I am experiencing a deep connection with God/Jesus/Holy Spirit.  In this, I feel incredibly vulnerable.  I am learning this is the absolute best place to be.  It is when I am most vulnerable, God does His best work.  In this state, I am completely dependent, and intimately aware of my need for Him.  In this place, I desperately need His leading and guidance.

As I submit and cling to Him, staying intimately close, I am connecting with others, and experiencing incredible divine appointments on a regular basis.  Focusing on deepening my relationship with Him, keeping my heart wide open, is the perfect place and time for a godly loving relationship to develop.

There was a point several years ago I felt the chance for a godly loving relationship was gone, and I resolved to being alone and single for the rest of my life.  Now I know God’s timing is always perfect.  In His perfect plan and will for my life, there is never a too old, too late, or too damaged.  I know every day God has something new and wonderful to show me as I risk being vulnerable and commit to keeping my heart wide open. ~♡

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The Pieces of my Heart

I know He promises beauty for ashes, but the pain and shame coming forth, or just below the surface as I walk through my day is overwhelming.

So much of what I am processing are old wounds and abuse from my past.  I thought I had addressed these issues, but I have come to understand, I have not experienced the emotions and feelings which keep me repeating unhealthy, limiting behaviors.

I had to leave work early, unable to focus as raw emotions kept surfacing.  I am finding things people say become triggers, stirring feelings I have no idea how to handle, or let out.  I need to feel safe, but I don’t know where or who ‘safe’ is.

This journey of healing began well over a year ago, and the Lord has made it clear what He is leading me through, and His divine purposes to be accomplished in my life as these wounds are dealt with and healed.  He made it clear as I continue repeating behaviors which result from the wounds in my soul, I will harm myself and others, despite my good intentions.

He wants to use the gifts He has given me, but in my current state, they are too entangled with my wounds.

God sent me the song Pieces at the beginning of this journey.  He used this song to teach me about healthy love and challenged me to look at all the ways my heart was fractured and in pieces.  He showed me I compartmentalize how I love in my life, hiding away little bits, and loving with only little fragments of my heart.  This song meant so much to me, I printed out the lyrics, folded it in thirds, and placed it under my keyboard at work.  I would periodically open it and read it as if it were a love letter from God.

As I arrived home from work Friday, feeling broken and raw, trying to understand the deep pain and shame rising in torrents, I let songs cycle through my YouTube account.  I believe God sent me this version of Piecessung by Amanda Cook.

This version of the song has spontaneous prophetic declaration in the beginning before she breaks into singing the song.  The following is what she is declaring, I believe over me and the process I am going through right now…
You’re giving us new memories,
You’re giving us new memories, all the places shame wrote our story.
You’re giving us Your memory,
it’s not just perspective, it’s innocence restored.
You’re giving us Your memory,
You’re giving us a new memory,
You are rewriting our story, our story with Your love. 
praise God

 

This song sweetly says what I believe God is doing in my life right now…

The song is Pieces,  the song He gave me at the beginning of this journey over a year ago.

Unreserved, unrestrained, Your love is wild, Your love is wild for me.
It isn’t shy, it’s unashamed, Your love is proud to be seen with me.
You don’t give your heart in pieces, you don’t hide yourself to tease us.
Uncontrolled, uncontained, You love is a fire
Burning bright for me.
It’s not just a spark, it’s not just a flame, Your love is a light 
That all the world will see 
That all the world will see
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us. 
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us.
Your love’s not fractured, it’s not a troubled mind. 
It isn’t anxious, 
It’s not the restless kind.
Your love’s not passive, 
It’s never disengaged. 
It’s always present, 
It hangs on every word we say. 
Love keeps its promises, 
It keeps its word. 
It honors what’s sacred 
Cause its vows are good. 
Your love’s not broken, 
It’s not insecure. 
Your love’s not selfish, 
You love is pure.
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us. 
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us.
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us
Songwriters: Caroline Ailin / Philip Cook / Thomas Gregersen
Pieces lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Songtrust Ave, BMG Rights Management

 

See, I am doing a new thing!

I love this word for my life today!  God asks us not to dwell on the past, but focus on His promises.  He makes ALL things new!  What was once a barren wasteland, He causes life giving springs and streams within our hearts and minds to flow.  I live in the Southwest desert and see this very truth in the desert all around me.  I may feel all dried up, but God sees something beautiful and He is making a way in my desert.  Yes! I perceive it!  Yes!  I receive it! ~♡

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How do you know if he is your Boaz?

I found this posted in Facebook, but couldn’t find a link to a blog post or article, so I listed the author and title below… Love, love, love this!!!

Written by Jenny Williams, A Modern Day Ruth Copyright 2014

How do you know if he is your Boaz?

A Modern Day Boaz will:

  • He will honor you and respect you. He will handle your heart tenderly. His intentions will be honorable.
  • He will provide and care for you with his actions. He looks out for the best for you.
  • He will protect you and spiritually lead you and be a covering to you. He will pray with you and for you. He will take you to church. He will read the word with you.
  • He will understand your journey and desire to make your days better and sweeter than before.
  • He will celebrate you and appreciate your strengths, beauty and character.
  • He will preserve you. He will honorably do right by you by waiting until marriage. He sees you as a treasure and a blessing from God.
  • He will love you by demonstrating the character of Christ to you through his words and actions.
  • He will always try to be a blessing to you and your children every day of his life. He will embrace you and your kids with open arms.

You won’t settle for less than the best. You won’t have to try to make a man treat you this way, because he already will. You don’t raise a man into being a man, he already is one. God’s best for you won’t need fixing. Second best and settling….will need it. Don’t go there. You are completely open to God’s submission by letting Him write your love story. Listen to His voice, and trust in His perfect plan.

You know you are ready when you are not afraid to love and trust someone. You desire companionship and sharing a life again. You desire to be a blessing to the man God has waiting for you. Your heart is open to trust and to receive love again. You are healthy in your mind, heart and soul. You desire to be a helpmate.

How do you know you are his Ruth?

  • You want to be a blessing to him every day of his life. You strive and look for ways to bless him.
  • You desire to be his greatest cheerleader and prayer partner.
  • You are his faithful confidante. He can trust you.
  • You want to honor him and respect him as a man of God and as your spiritual leader.
  • You celebrate his strengths and you accept his weaknesses.
  • You bring a strength he can rely on. You are loyal to him only.
  • You are his best friend and want to be his lifelong lover.
  • You are willing to be a good receiver of his love and acts of kindness.
  • You appreciate and value what he does for you.
  • You believe in his dreams and callings. You want to support him and build a life with him. His desires are yours, and his dreams are yours.
  • You honor him both publicly and privately.
  • You desire to please him.
  • You strive to do him good all the days of your life.
  • You are anointed and appointed to be his wife.

Ruth and Boaz is my favorite love story. God gives second chances. He always restores better than before. Your heartache and loss are being turned around so your greatest love story can unfold. God gave Ruth better than before, and her legacy of love continued through the lineage of Jesus and beyond! ❤ Written by Jenny Williams, A Modern Day Ruth Copyright 2014

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Closure…

Have you ever had a conversation with someone not knowing it was the last time you would speak?  I’m not talking about a situation in which a death occurs, which is truly tragic and can cause pain and regret for years.  But a circumstance which makes it impossible to right a wrong, say those things which continue to haunt you causing a deep ache in your heart and a longing for a sense of closure.

For a month now I have been ruminating about that last phone conversation.  When the call finally came, I wasn’t ready for it emotionally.  I had given up believing it would ever come.  It’s timing was inconvenient, but I took the call because I had been waiting nearly a week to hear from you… talk over the phone and connect voice to voice.  I know you were dealing with life changing circumstances and were over tired and overwhelmed.  I was patient in my waiting, but the delay was revealing the truth ~ there was no longer space for me in your life.

When I picked up the call and heard your voice, my heart broke.  You told me what I already knew and was processing alone for days.  You were kind, made amends, even purposing a plan of continued contact to ease out of our friendship.  Given recent events in your life, continuing to stay in contact didn’t seem right or healthy.  I wanted to discuss this, but my time was pressed.  I was frustrated and impatient.  I regret this now… At one point you asked “So is this it then?!”  I said “No, you can call me in a week as you suggest. We can talk more then.”  I said a rushed goodbye, and when I hung up the phone, I felt as though I had a huge hole in my chest.  I felt as I had during the prior seven days waiting for your call.

The following morning I sent you an email with the subject “Boundaries”.  In it I absolved you of all responsibility or obligation to contact me ever again.  I also said I was open to hearing from you, but had no expectations.  I needed to be sure you were choosing not to continue to reach out to me and I wasn’t telling you not to.  Even as I write this, I feel sad and know I am completely crazy for writing this post.  It’s pointless. No good can come from reconnecting…even just once more with the hope of finding closure.

Maybe just writing what I wish I said will be enough.

I’m sorry I pressed ahead when I should have withdrawn and given you space.  I fear I may have added greater burden to your situation instead of providing support and respite.

I am sorry for a lack of healthy boundaries and not being more sensitive and in-tune with your less direct and gentle push-back.  Please forgive me.

I wish I had one last opportunity to support and encourage you as we parted ways.  I wish I could have told you how much I respect you and honor your decision.  One last chance to tell you changed my life for the better and I will always love you for this.

As I think of you now, I pray for your well being, strength, encouragement, and a complete restoration and healing for your family.  I pray healing for every member of your family and household.  I pray for fresh perspectives and new eyes to see as God sees.  I pray for a home and family filled with love, even as you face challenges and walk through life as flawed imperfect people.  I pray your trust is in the Lord and His promises.

This is it… what I needed to say.  I can post this or delete it… posting has a very slim chance of you seeing and reading it.  Maybe that 1% – 2% chance will be what I need to set the foundation for the closure I so badly crave.  (I pray dear Jesus, make it so!)

Be well, be blessed mi amigo.

~ Eliza ~♡

Your Life Is Not Boring

This is a great reminder, and exactly what I needed to hear right now! I am so blessed by all I have experienced and learned this year.

2018 started out with an amazing call from God to step out of my comfort zone and explore true intimacy with Him. He set amazing divine appointments with people to walk beside me on this journey, teachers to keep me anchored in His word, and fresh perspectives of the amazing world and people all around me. ~I am blessed!~♡

Eliza ~♡

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Be an encourager!

I have a friend whose spiritual gift is exhortation, or encouragement.  He does not think of himself as a leader, yet the very act of encouraging moves people.

I am grateful for the time he shared his gift with me and how it continues to change my life and transform my walk with Jesus.

Be blessed dear friend!~♡

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Jesus Understands Your Loneliness — Desiring God

 

I understand loneliness, and I know Jesus understands it as well. I appreciate this perspective and hope you take time to read the article.  Be blessed! ~♡ Eliza

 

 

Do you ever think of Jesus as lonely? Certainly his moments in Gethsemane and on Calvary were uniquely and terribly lonely, but what about the rest of his life? In some sense, he may have been the loneliest human in history. Loneliness is what we feel when we’re isolated from others. Loneliness often has less…

via Jesus Understands Your Loneliness — Desiring God