Closure…

Have you ever had a conversation with someone not knowing it was the last time you would speak?  I’m not talking about a situation in which a death occurs, which is truly tragic and can cause pain and regret for years.  But a circumstance which makes it impossible to right a wrong, say those things which continue to haunt you causing a deep ache in your heart and a longing for a sense of closure.

For a month now I have been ruminating about that last phone conversation.  When the call finally came, I wasn’t ready for it emotionally.  I had given up believing it would ever come.  It’s timing was inconvenient, but I took the call because I had been waiting nearly a week to hear from you… talk over the phone and connect voice to voice.  I know you were dealing with life changing circumstances and were over tired and overwhelmed.  I was patient in my waiting, but the delay was revealing the truth ~ there was no longer space for me in your life.

When I picked up the call and heard your voice, my heart broke.  You told me what I already knew and was processing alone for days.  You were kind, made amends, even purposing a plan of continued contact to ease out of our friendship.  Given recent events in your life, continuing to stay in contact didn’t seem right or healthy.  I wanted to discuss this, but my time was pressed.  I was frustrated and impatient.  I regret this now… At one point you asked “So is this it then?!”  I said “No, you can call me in a week as you suggest. We can talk more then.”  I said a rushed goodbye, and when I hung up the phone, I felt as though I had a huge hole in my chest.  I felt as I had during the prior seven days waiting for your call.

The following morning I sent you an email with the subject “Boundaries”.  In it I absolved you of all responsibility or obligation to contact me ever again.  I also said I was open to hearing from you, but had no expectations.  I needed to be sure you were choosing not to continue to reach out to me and I wasn’t telling you not to.  Even as I write this, I feel sad and know I am completely crazy for writing this post.  It’s pointless. No good can come from reconnecting…even just once more with the hope of finding closure.

Maybe just writing what I wish I said will be enough.

I’m sorry I pressed ahead when I should have withdrawn and given you space.  I fear I may have added greater burden to your situation instead of providing support and respite.

I am sorry for a lack of healthy boundaries and not being more sensitive and in-tune with your less direct and gentle push-back.  Please forgive me.

I wish I had one last opportunity to support and encourage you as we parted ways.  I wish I could have told you how much I respect you and honor your decision.  One last chance to tell you changed my life for the better and I will always love you for this.

As I think of you now, I pray for your well being, strength, encouragement, and a complete restoration and healing for your family.  I pray healing for every member of your family and household.  I pray for fresh perspectives and new eyes to see as God sees.  I pray for a home and family filled with love, even as you face challenges and walk through life as flawed imperfect people.  I pray your trust is in the Lord and His promises.

This is it… what I needed to say.  I can post this or delete it… posting has a very slim chance of you seeing and reading it.  Maybe that 1% – 2% chance will be what I need to set the foundation for the closure I so badly crave.  (I pray dear Jesus, make it so!)

Be well, be blessed mi amigo.

~ Eliza ~♡

Your Life Is Not Boring

This is a great reminder, and exactly what I needed to hear right now! I am so blessed by all I have experienced and learned this year.

2018 started out with an amazing call from God to step out of my comfort zone and explore true intimacy with Him. He set amazing divine appointments with people to walk beside me on this journey, teachers to keep me anchored in His word, and fresh perspectives of the amazing world and people all around me. ~I am blessed!~♡

Eliza ~♡

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Abundantly Blessed

I am abundantly blessed.  There are so many things I have taken for granted, yet as I feel led by the Lord to dive deeper into intercessory prayer, I am taking every opportunity to pray for my community.  I see those things I take as a given, are prayers and a longings in others’ lives.

I wake and effortlessly get out of bed to start my day.  I exercise, a simple daily walk, yet this is not possible for those who struggle with health issues.  I get ready to go into the office and work.  I have work, a job, a way to support my home, feed and clothe myself bless others as I am gainfully employed.

I get into my car and make the trek to work each day.  I have friends who have no vehicle and must rely on others, the public transit system, and their ability to walk where they need to go.  I pray for breakthrough and job opportunities, reliable transportation, the means to repair a broken down car.

Thankful

I manage a team, helping people move forward with their educational and career goals.  All these responsibilities, but also opportunities to bless those I work with.  Opportunities to pray, and pour into their lives.  I am also blessed by their stories, the work they do to support our team, and company vision.  I am blessed to see their faces each day and work together solving problems, helping each other to be successful.  I am humbled and deeply moved when they share their burdens and allow me to pray with and for them.

When I return home, I have only to care for myself, my own needs.  I fill my time with works of service, entertainment, and relaxation.  I think of the prayers I pray for people going through major crisis who live with stress and anxiety, not knowing if they will be able to take care of themselves or their families.  Not knowing if they will have the resources to take care of the basics.  Wondering if their health coverage will be enough to address the issues they are facing.  Will they be able to be there for a sick family member, or sit at the bedside of a dying parent?  So many needs, and so many overlooked blessings all around us.

Prayer changes things.  Prayer moves mountains.  Prayer changes hearts.  Prayer is a powerful gift from God.  If you ever feel yourself in a state of stress, feeling overwhelmed by your circumstances, or lacking for anything, pray.  Pray for yourself, then look around and pray for your loved ones.  Pray for your community.  Prayer is having an amazing effect on my life.  It is changing me and waking me moment by moment to the truth of how abundantly blessed I am. ~♡

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