The Pieces of my Heart

I know He promises beauty for ashes, but the pain and shame coming forth, or just below the surface as I walk through my day is overwhelming.

So much of what I am processing are old wounds and abuse from my past.  I thought I had addressed these issues, but I have come to understand, I have not experienced the emotions and feelings which keep me repeating unhealthy, limiting behaviors.

I had to leave work early, unable to focus as raw emotions kept surfacing.  I am finding things people say become triggers, stirring feelings I have no idea how to handle, or let out.  I need to feel safe, but I don’t know where or who ‘safe’ is.

This journey of healing began well over a year ago, and the Lord has made it clear what He is leading me through, and His divine purposes to be accomplished in my life as these wounds are dealt with and healed.  He made it clear as I continue repeating behaviors which result from the wounds in my soul, I will harm myself and others, despite my good intentions.

He wants to use the gifts He has given me, but in my current state, they are too entangled with my wounds.

God sent me the song Pieces at the beginning of this journey.  He used this song to teach me about healthy love and challenged me to look at all the ways my heart was fractured and in pieces.  He showed me I compartmentalize how I love in my life, hiding away little bits, and loving with only little fragments of my heart.  This song meant so much to me, I printed out the lyrics, folded it in thirds, and placed it under my keyboard at work.  I would periodically open it and read it as if it were a love letter from God.

As I arrived home from work Friday, feeling broken and raw, trying to understand the deep pain and shame rising in torrents, I let songs cycle through my YouTube account.  I believe God sent me this version of Piecessung by Amanda Cook.

This version of the song has spontaneous prophetic declaration in the beginning before she breaks into singing the song.  The following is what she is declaring, I believe over me and the process I am going through right now…
You’re giving us new memories,
You’re giving us new memories, all the places shame wrote our story.
You’re giving us Your memory,
it’s not just perspective, it’s innocence restored.
You’re giving us Your memory,
You’re giving us a new memory,
You are rewriting our story, our story with Your love. 
praise God

 

This song sweetly says what I believe God is doing in my life right now…

The song is Pieces,  the song He gave me at the beginning of this journey over a year ago.

Unreserved, unrestrained, Your love is wild, Your love is wild for me.
It isn’t shy, it’s unashamed, Your love is proud to be seen with me.
You don’t give your heart in pieces, you don’t hide yourself to tease us.
Uncontrolled, uncontained, You love is a fire
Burning bright for me.
It’s not just a spark, it’s not just a flame, Your love is a light 
That all the world will see 
That all the world will see
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us. 
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us.
Your love’s not fractured, it’s not a troubled mind. 
It isn’t anxious, 
It’s not the restless kind.
Your love’s not passive, 
It’s never disengaged. 
It’s always present, 
It hangs on every word we say. 
Love keeps its promises, 
It keeps its word. 
It honors what’s sacred 
Cause its vows are good. 
Your love’s not broken, 
It’s not insecure. 
Your love’s not selfish, 
You love is pure.
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us. 
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us.
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us
Songwriters: Caroline Ailin / Philip Cook / Thomas Gregersen
Pieces lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Songtrust Ave, BMG Rights Management

 

Submission? Not for me!

Well, this was once how I felt.  God continues working with me on the issue of obedience and submission, and has for many years.
I have a very rebellious nature and have had to face this in my walk with the Lord.  God’s word equates rebellion to witchcraft, which was quite an eye opener for me.  (I Samuel 15:23 nkjv).
Through this realization, the Lord walks with me, teaching about submission and obedience. He is helping me understand true freedom is found when I am in right relationship with Him.  Right relationship is where I willingly yield to Him and obey without questioning.  In this posture, I acknowledge Him as sovereign over my life.  I seek Him, and only Him as my source of love, self-worth, and approval.
I know many women struggle with the concept of submission and obedience, and we all prickle a bit reading Ephesians 5:22, instructing women to submit to and obey their husbands.  They see this posture and position as weak and powerless.  Yet are we  missing the truth?  True power and freedom come from God.  As we turn our lives over to Him, follow His plan and seek wisdom from His word, He will give us the desires of our hearts.  The thing is, most of us do not even know the desires of our own hearts.  We get caught up in pride, the political issues and social mores of the day, and we let these guide us.  However, God sees past our facade and blustering words.  He knows exactly what our hearts long for; an intimacy that touches both body and soul.
God has been using the image of a wild, untamed horse to show me the condition of my heart.  Over the years He has used this image again and again to lead and guide me in a process of healing my heart.  He is my personal horse whisper…the one who in peace and gentleness whispers to my heart until all I desire is to chase after Him.  In this chasing, I am completely free and unrestrained, yet no longer wild.~♡

See, I am doing a new thing!

I love this word for my life today!  God asks us not to dwell on the past, but focus on His promises.  He makes ALL things new!  What was once a barren wasteland, He causes life giving springs and streams within our hearts and minds to flow.  I live in the Southwest desert and see this very truth in the desert all around me.  I may feel all dried up, but God sees something beautiful and He is making a way in my desert.  Yes! I perceive it!  Yes!  I receive it! ~♡

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Take Courage

He is in the waiting…

I had a dream about a month ago I feel was sent to me from God.  In the dream, the chorus from the song “Take Courage ” which sings  ‘He’s in the waiting, He’s in the waiting’, kept repeating, and as this verse was repeating, a single, very full white daisy filled the vision.

He’s in the waiting, He’s in the waiting

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When I woke, I wrote my impressions of the dream in my notebook next to my bed.  Later, I looked up the meaning and symbolism for white daisy.  My eyes traveled down the page as if directed and stopped on this:

Daisy’s are composite flowers, meaning they actually consist of two flowers combined into one.  The inner section is called a disc floret, and the outer petal section is called a ray floret.  Because daisies are composed of two flowers that blend together so well, they symbolize true love.

In my heart I feel God is showing me as I rest in Him and wait, resisting all temptations to rush out ahead of Him as I have in the past, I will enter into a deeper, more intimate relationship with Him.  He is in the waiting.  He is fully present with me and for me in the waiting.

I have experienced Him in the last several days holding my hand with our fingers entwined, the way two lovers do.  No longer holding my hand as a father and child, hands cupped together, His in the leading position.

I see Him lying face to face next to me.  His eyes on me with love and compassion.  I breath in deeply and feel all the love He has for me.  

There are moments as I am in the waiting, I feel Him reach over and gently brush my cheek with the back of his fingers.  In these moments I feel seen, understood, and deeply loved for who I am.

I feel He is showing me the daisy as a promise of true love.  Two becoming one flesh.  I am not certain if the promise is to say He has prepared a very special man for me, a true love, or the promise is the fulfillment of His true love for me being complete and fulfilled through this season of waiting.

Either way, I trust Him and know something amazing is taking place in my heart and soul.

Below are the lyrics to the song “Take Courage“.

Take Courage

Songwriters: Kristene DiMarco / Jeremy Riddle

Slow down, take time

Breath in He said

He’d reveal what’s to come

The thoughts in His mind

Always higher than mine

He’ll reveal all to come

Take courage my heart

Stay steadfast my soul

He’s in the waiting, He’s in the waiting

Hold onto your hope

As your triumph unfolds

He’s never failing, He’s never failing

Sing praise my soul

Find strength in joy

Let His Words lead you on

Do not forget His great faithfulness

He’ll finish all He’s begun

So take courage my heart

Stay steadfast my soul

He’s in the waiting, He’s in the waiting

And You who hold the stars

Who call them each by name

Will surely keep, Your promise to me

That I will rise, in Your victory!

So take courage my heart

Stay steadfast my soul

He’s in the waiting, He’s in the waiting

And hold onto your hope

Watch your triumph unfold

He’s never failing, He’s never failing

 

So take courage my heart

Stay steadfast my soul

He’s in the waiting

He’s in the waiting

And hold onto your hope

Watch your triumph unfold

He’s never failing, He’s never failing!

 

He’s in the waiting…

Waiting is hard.  It is a time of quiet contemplation and prayer.  I question whether it is wise to wait, or if it is better to take action and move on.  But move on to what?

God is always in the waiting.  He is patient, He is kind, and He is always with us, gently waiting to lead once we become still and quiet enough to hear His voice and see the path He has prepared to walk with us.

He will never leave us or forsake us.  He loves us through our madness and even accepts and embraces us in our anger and frustration.  His love never fails.~♡

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Be Still and Know…

In every situation, pause and look for God. He is there, standing beside you in your pain and confusion waiting patiently to lead you. Patiently waiting for the roar of thoughts and emotions to subside until the still small voice breaks through, a fresh breeze soothing the soul.

Through submission, meaning and purpose are redeemed.

 

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Your Life Is Not Boring

This is a great reminder, and exactly what I needed to hear right now! I am so blessed by all I have experienced and learned this year.

2018 started out with an amazing call from God to step out of my comfort zone and explore true intimacy with Him. He set amazing divine appointments with people to walk beside me on this journey, teachers to keep me anchored in His word, and fresh perspectives of the amazing world and people all around me. ~I am blessed!~♡

Eliza ~♡

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Lover of my Soul

Dear Jesus,

So many intense feelings lately!  They crash over me with such intensity, I feel off-balance most of the time.  I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere.  I find myself sharing at such a deeply intense level, I make people uncomfortable.  I feel them shifting and gracefully finding an out so they no longer need to witness or hear my raw, unfiltered self.

Through all of this, I am being drawn closer to You.  I feel how intensely You want to connect with me at this new level.  I have felt You shifting my relationship from Papa God, to You, Jesus, my Beloved, the lover of my soul.  I have written about this, I have talked about this, and this word was confirmed in today’s message at church.  

I feel You beside me, and I feel myself yielding to You, to your presence.  I am learning to listen to Your still small voice and become comfortable following where I feel and see You leading me.

This is all so new and it is a little unsettling.  But I have been settled too long.  I have been settling for too long.  I want You to lead me in every action and every word I speak.  I know I won’t be perfect, I know I will fall short, and I know You know this, but You love me anyway.  You just want to hear me say these words. “I want to follow You, I want You to lead me.”

I am very tired my Love Jesus.  I want to go to sleep and feel you watching over me.  I want to dream about You.  I want You to speak to me in my dreams and tell me where You want me to go next, where our next adventure is.  Where You wish me to go so we can be together in reaching out to all who are lost, lonely, forgotten.  I want to dream about how much You love me and desire me, and want me walking so closely with You, I never feel alone or like I don’t belong.

Goodnight my sweet Jesus!  I love You! ~ Amen!

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