I know He promises beauty for ashes, but the pain and shame coming forth, or just below the surface as I walk through my day is overwhelming.
So much of what I am processing are old wounds and abuse from my past. I thought I had addressed these issues, but I have come to understand, I have not experienced the emotions and feelings which keep me repeating unhealthy, limiting behaviors.
I had to leave work early, unable to focus as raw emotions kept surfacing. I am finding things people say become triggers, stirring feelings I have no idea how to handle, or let out. I need to feel safe, but I don’t know where or who ‘safe’ is.
This journey of healing began well over a year ago, and the Lord has made it clear what He is leading me through, and His divine purposes to be accomplished in my life as these wounds are dealt with and healed. He made it clear as I continue repeating behaviors which result from the wounds in my soul, I will harm myself and others, despite my good intentions.
He wants to use the gifts He has given me, but in my current state, they are too entangled with my wounds.
God sent me the song Pieces at the beginning of this journey. He used this song to teach me about healthy love and challenged me to look at all the ways my heart was fractured and in pieces. He showed me I compartmentalize how I love in my life, hiding away little bits, and loving with only little fragments of my heart. This song meant so much to me, I printed out the lyrics, folded it in thirds, and placed it under my keyboard at work. I would periodically open it and read it as if it were a love letter from God.
As I arrived home from work Friday, feeling broken and raw, trying to understand the deep pain and shame rising in torrents, I let songs cycle through my YouTube account. I believe God sent me this version of Pieces, sung by Amanda Cook.
This song sweetly says what I believe God is doing in my life right now…
The song is Pieces, the song He gave me at the beginning of this journey over a year ago.
That all the world will see
That all the world will see
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us.
It isn’t anxious,
It’s not the restless kind.
Your love’s not passive,
It’s never disengaged.
It’s always present,
It hangs on every word we say.
Love keeps its promises,
It keeps its word.
It honors what’s sacred
Cause its vows are good.
Your love’s not broken,
It’s not insecure.
Your love’s not selfish,
You love is pure.
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us.
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us
I would feel safe and cared for. 
