The Pieces of my Heart

I know He promises beauty for ashes, but the pain and shame coming forth, or just below the surface as I walk through my day is overwhelming.

So much of what I am processing are old wounds and abuse from my past.  I thought I had addressed these issues, but I have come to understand, I have not experienced the emotions and feelings which keep me repeating unhealthy, limiting behaviors.

I had to leave work early, unable to focus as raw emotions kept surfacing.  I am finding things people say become triggers, stirring feelings I have no idea how to handle, or let out.  I need to feel safe, but I don’t know where or who ‘safe’ is.

This journey of healing began well over a year ago, and the Lord has made it clear what He is leading me through, and His divine purposes to be accomplished in my life as these wounds are dealt with and healed.  He made it clear as I continue repeating behaviors which result from the wounds in my soul, I will harm myself and others, despite my good intentions.

He wants to use the gifts He has given me, but in my current state, they are too entangled with my wounds.

God sent me the song Pieces at the beginning of this journey.  He used this song to teach me about healthy love and challenged me to look at all the ways my heart was fractured and in pieces.  He showed me I compartmentalize how I love in my life, hiding away little bits, and loving with only little fragments of my heart.  This song meant so much to me, I printed out the lyrics, folded it in thirds, and placed it under my keyboard at work.  I would periodically open it and read it as if it were a love letter from God.

As I arrived home from work Friday, feeling broken and raw, trying to understand the deep pain and shame rising in torrents, I let songs cycle through my YouTube account.  I believe God sent me this version of Piecessung by Amanda Cook.

This version of the song has spontaneous prophetic declaration in the beginning before she breaks into singing the song.  The following is what she is declaring, I believe over me and the process I am going through right now…
You’re giving us new memories,
You’re giving us new memories, all the places shame wrote our story.
You’re giving us Your memory,
it’s not just perspective, it’s innocence restored.
You’re giving us Your memory,
You’re giving us a new memory,
You are rewriting our story, our story with Your love. 
praise God

 

This song sweetly says what I believe God is doing in my life right now…

The song is Pieces,  the song He gave me at the beginning of this journey over a year ago.

Unreserved, unrestrained, Your love is wild, Your love is wild for me.
It isn’t shy, it’s unashamed, Your love is proud to be seen with me.
You don’t give your heart in pieces, you don’t hide yourself to tease us.
Uncontrolled, uncontained, You love is a fire
Burning bright for me.
It’s not just a spark, it’s not just a flame, Your love is a light 
That all the world will see 
That all the world will see
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us. 
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us.
Your love’s not fractured, it’s not a troubled mind. 
It isn’t anxious, 
It’s not the restless kind.
Your love’s not passive, 
It’s never disengaged. 
It’s always present, 
It hangs on every word we say. 
Love keeps its promises, 
It keeps its word. 
It honors what’s sacred 
Cause its vows are good. 
Your love’s not broken, 
It’s not insecure. 
Your love’s not selfish, 
You love is pure.
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us. 
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us.
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us
Songwriters: Caroline Ailin / Philip Cook / Thomas Gregersen
Pieces lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Songtrust Ave, BMG Rights Management

 

In the Arms of a Loving Father

When I feel particularly small and vulnerable, I run to my Papa, knowing I can find rest in His arms.  I go to His word and pour over scriptures painting this picture of a loving Father who is always there, kind, gentle, and waiting with open arms.

When I feel particularly small and vulnerable, I run to my Papa, knowing I can find rest in His arms.  I go to His word and pour over scriptures painting this picture of a loving Father who is always there, kind, gentle, and waiting with open arms.  He enfolds me.  I see Him protecting me, lifting me up on His shoulders, singing over me as I fall gently to sleep in His arms.

…The beloved of the Lord shall dwell in safety by him; and the Lord shall cover him all the day long, and he shall dwell between his shoulders. Deuteronomy 33:12 

‘The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing. ‘Zephaniah 3:17

This is the image I have of God, my Papa, and have always seen Him as a safe loving place because of my earthly father.  My natural father struggled with depression and anxiety all the days I knew him.  He wasn’t able to do a lot of things many fathers do because of debilitating mental illness.  None of that mattered to me as a little girl.  All I knew, was if I was afraid or needed to be reassured, I could run to my Daddy and he would speak softly to me, enfold me in his arms and instantlypapas hug I would feel safe and cared for. 

I thank you Papa, God for blessing me with a Father who helped me run to you with no fear or reservations, knowing I can find rest, complete acceptance, and breathe, free from fear, judgment and condemnation.  You are my safe place. 

I recently found the song “Lean Back” performed by Worship Mob, which brought up all these wonderful images of Papa God, and how He used my natural father to teach me about His love.

Lean Back

You will never leave

Your love sustaining me

Me & Dad
“Lean Back” is this image of me and my Dad. 

 

Before I even knew what love was

You’ve brought me here to rest

And given me space to breathe

So I’ll stay still until it sinks in

I will lean back in the loving arms

Of a beautiful Father

Breathe deep and know that He is good

He’s a love like no other

Now I can see Your love is better

Than all the others that I’ve seen

I am breathing deep all of Your goodness

Your loving-kindness to me

YouTube Video of Lean Back