Too Late, Too Damaged…

I married in my early twenties, knowing it was for all the wrong reasons… we both had doubts we should be together.  When you are young, you lack wisdom, but have energy, hope and naivete in spades.  Sometimes life breaks us down as we go through trials,  our hearts are broken… We either turn to God and allow Him to do His perfect work on our hearts, or we become bitter, cynical, and lose hope.

For my story, I feel more hopeful, healthy, and equipped to be in a godly loving relationship than any other time in my life.  I have been divorced for over twenty years, only dating about two years after my divorce.  When I finally fully gave my life to Christ, I entered into a covenant relationship with Him, and I stopped dating, committing to grow in my relationship with God.  During these years I focused on my career, my education, and becoming deeply rooted in my faith and love for Jesus.

Just this year I felt God stirring me, challenging me to open my heart, let go of all my fears, doubts, and need to predict and control outcomes, just ‘fall’ in love… Through this journey, my heart has opened and I am experiencing a deep connection with God/Jesus/Holy Spirit.  In this, I feel incredibly vulnerable.  I am learning this is the absolute best place to be.  It is when I am most vulnerable, God does His best work.  In this state, I am completely dependent, and intimately aware of my need for Him.  In this place, I desperately need His leading and guidance.

As I submit and cling to Him, staying intimately close, I am connecting with others, and experiencing incredible divine appointments on a regular basis.  Focusing on deepening my relationship with Him, keeping my heart wide open, is the perfect place and time for a godly loving relationship to develop.

There was a point several years ago I felt the chance for a godly loving relationship was gone, and I resolved to being alone and single for the rest of my life.  Now I know God’s timing is always perfect.  In His perfect plan and will for my life, there is never a too old, too late, or too damaged.  I know every day God has something new and wonderful to show me as I risk being vulnerable and commit to keeping my heart wide open. ~♡

Beauty for ashes small

You Matter to Me…

On this God led, healing journey, my heart has opened, I’ve fallen in love, and my heart’s been broken… beautifully broken, revealing all of what God wants to heal.

This journey started well over a year ago when I started talking to Papa God about the condition of my heart and inviting Him in…  Through this, He has walked with me side by side, showing me the fractured condition of my heart, and revealing the behaviors which lead me down roads which are not a part of His perfect plan for my life.

In this process, God challenged me to let go of control and fall in love.  Through this, He teaches me how falling in love is an essential part of having an intimate relationship with Him, holding nothing back, allowing myself to fully give and receive His love.

My Papa God knows me like no other, and He knows how I learn.  Through this, He brought a wonderful Christian man into my life and we began corresponding as of January first after a chance, online encounter New Year’s eve.  I believe it was through this long-distance connection God provided a safe way for me to ‘fall in love’, letting go of the need to control and figure everything out, stay in the safety of my head.  With this man I found a kindred spirit, someone who was interested in the things I said, enjoyed my quirky creative spirit, challenged me, and helped grow my understanding and love for God.  God used our connection to reveal the special gifts He has given me, using them to minister, while at the same time blessing me with my friend’s special gifts of encouragement, kindness, and sacrificial love.

We shared little bits of our lives with each other through email, texts, and phone calls. We prayed for each other as we faced challenges, both large and small.  When my friend faced a difficult, life changing decision, I prayed for him.  The challenges he faced and the decisions he made to manage the circumstances in his life, made it impossible for us to continue our correspondence and growing friendship.  This broke my heart and affected me at a much deeper level than I expected and have struggled to understand.  God has been with me through it all, letting me know how much He loves me.  He reminds me daily He is with me, true to His promise He will never leave me nor forsake me.

Papa God sends me songs to help me understand all He is teaching me, or wants me to know, and in an effort to help me through this loss, this unfamiliar pain I am feeling, He sent me the song You Matter to Me.  Through this song, I feel Him telling me the loss I feel so deeply is because, with my friend, I felt a connection, a deep and meaningful connection.  I felt I mattered, and the things I said, mattered to someone.  There was someone in my life I deeply cared for, and his life mattered to me. I felt seen, loved and cherished for who I am, all of me, flaws and all.  I know I loved and cherished him, all of him, all of his perfect imperfections.  He was my friend and I let myself fall in love.  I did so knowing there was ‘very little hope’ of us ending up together, but I let that go to trust in God and His perfect will and plan.  I let go of needing to control and predict outcomes in an effort to protect my heart.  In this, God asked me to open my heart completely because to truly understand His love I need to risk getting my heart broken.  This is how God loves, this is how God loves me and how He will love others through me; with my whole heart, fully open, completely vulnerable. ~ ♥

Purple High-Top Chucks

I have wanted a pair of purple high-top Chuck Taylor sneakers for a while.  Maybe even as long ago as five years.  They symbolize a right of passage, moving from the norms and expectations for a “woman of a certain age”, and letting go of the need to please anyone but my Creator and myself.  God created me exactly how He did for His plan and purpose, and I know this includes the wide eyed little girl who ran when she heard the doorbell ring, sure her purple Chucks would be sitting on the porch!  Their arrival had her jumping up and down, barely able to contain her excitement.

Thoughts of paring them with a skirt, dress, or a pair of shorts had me giddy at thinking of the outlandish statement I would make.

I had this pair made using the customize option through Converse.com. I picked purple of course, and added “Only Love” text on the side wall, and “God is Love” on the outside lower heel.

Purple is the color of royalty and serves to remind me I am a princess, a daughter of the King.  I  stand firm on the truth that God is Love, and Love is all there is, only love, only God.  As I put on these shoes, they remind me as I walk in the world, I desire to tell the good news of peace, and walk in His truth as a representative of His Kingdom whose foundation is Love. ~ ♡

Ephesians 10 – 19

10 Finally, let the mighty strength of the Lord make you strong. 11 Put on all the armor that God gives, so you can defend yourself against the devil’s tricks. 12 We are not fighting against humans. We are fighting against forces and authorities and against rulers of darkness and powers in the spiritual world. 13 So put on all the armor that God gives. Then when that evil day comes, you will be able to defend yourself. And when the battle is over, you will still be standing firm.

14   Be ready! Let the truth be like a belt around your waist, and let God’s justice protect you like armor. 15 Your desire to tell the good news about peace should be like shoes on your feet. 16 Let your faith be like a shield, and you will be able to stop all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Let God’s saving power be like a helmet, and for a sword use God’s message that comes from the Spirit.

18 Never stop praying, especially for others. Always pray by the power of the Spirit. Stay alert and keep praying for God’s people. 19 Pray that I will be given the message to speak and that I may fearlessly explain the mystery about the good news.

Purple Chucks

 

Harvest Moon

Today is the harvest moon. God gave me a promise five months ago, telling me it would be fulfilled come the harvest moon.  Gone is the season of sorrow, waiting, and mourning.  Today I am letting go.  Today in fulfillment of His promise I let go of the ‘very little hope’ I clung to and now realize is only holding me back from all God has for me  from this day forward.

God’s Promise in This Season

“In the soil now, I surrender,  You are breaking new ground.
So I yield to You and to Your careful hand.
When I trust You I don’t need to understand.”
I hear God speaking to me, telling me to open my hands.
I cannot hold on, I must open my hands and let go…
Open hands to receive.

In the soil now, I surrender…
A time to withdraw, stay still and quiet; a time to rest.
There is nothing else to do but obey and surrender…
I am not gone, nor am I buried and dead, for I am a seed.

You may not see me, hear me, however, I am here, filled with hope, promise, and love.
Water me with your love and prayers, and when the harvest moon rises, I’ll be in full bloom; God’s perfect work complete.

New Wine

In the crushing
In the pressing
You are making new wine.
In the soil I now surrender.
You are breaking new ground.

So I yield to You and to Your careful hand.
When I trust You I don’t need to understand.

Make me Your vessel,
Make me an offering,
Make me whatever You want me to be.
I came here with nothing,
But all You have given me.
Jesus bring new wine out of me.

In the crushing,
In the pressing,
You are making new wine.
In the soil I now surrender,
You are breaking new ground.
You are breaking new ground.
Where there is new wine,
There is new power,
There is new freedom,
The Kingdom is here.
I lay down my old flames,
To carry Your new fire today. 

Songwriters: Brooke Ligertwood
New Wine lyrics © Capitol Christian Music Group

Rest in Peace Sweet Jean ~ ♡

I feel so blessed to have known sweet Jean for the past 17 years.  We would visit every other Saturday, sometimes enjoying a meal out or a ride in the car to get ice cream.  Little kindnesses would make her smile, which always warmed my heart.  She was a simple, loving soul, who I know is now in the loving arms of Jesus.

She turned 84 years old August 31st, the picture I am including is from Saturday, September 1st, the day we celebrated her birthday, just one day before she passed.   I am so blessed I was able to celebrate this last birthday with her.   I brought her pink balloons and a simple vanilla cake with white frosting, her favorites.

I had a friend point out the bright light right next to her, which makes me smile as I contemplate its source.
Rest in peace sweet Jean bean and be sure to give Trudy a big hug for me. ~♡

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The Pieces of my Heart

I know He promises beauty for ashes, but the pain and shame coming forth, or just below the surface as I walk through my day is overwhelming.

So much of what I am processing are old wounds and abuse from my past.  I thought I had addressed these issues, but I have come to understand, I have not experienced the emotions and feelings which keep me repeating unhealthy, limiting behaviors.

I had to leave work early, unable to focus as raw emotions kept surfacing.  I am finding things people say become triggers, stirring feelings I have no idea how to handle, or let out.  I need to feel safe, but I don’t know where or who ‘safe’ is.

This journey of healing began well over a year ago, and the Lord has made it clear what He is leading me through, and His divine purposes to be accomplished in my life as these wounds are dealt with and healed.  He made it clear as I continue repeating behaviors which result from the wounds in my soul, I will harm myself and others, despite my good intentions.

He wants to use the gifts He has given me, but in my current state, they are too entangled with my wounds.

God sent me the song Pieces at the beginning of this journey.  He used this song to teach me about healthy love and challenged me to look at all the ways my heart was fractured and in pieces.  He showed me I compartmentalize how I love in my life, hiding away little bits, and loving with only little fragments of my heart.  This song meant so much to me, I printed out the lyrics, folded it in thirds, and placed it under my keyboard at work.  I would periodically open it and read it as if it were a love letter from God.

As I arrived home from work Friday, feeling broken and raw, trying to understand the deep pain and shame rising in torrents, I let songs cycle through my YouTube account.  I believe God sent me this version of Piecessung by Amanda Cook.

This version of the song has spontaneous prophetic declaration in the beginning before she breaks into singing the song.  The following is what she is declaring, I believe over me and the process I am going through right now…
You’re giving us new memories,
You’re giving us new memories, all the places shame wrote our story.
You’re giving us Your memory,
it’s not just perspective, it’s innocence restored.
You’re giving us Your memory,
You’re giving us a new memory,
You are rewriting our story, our story with Your love. 
praise God

 

This song sweetly says what I believe God is doing in my life right now…

The song is Pieces,  the song He gave me at the beginning of this journey over a year ago.

Unreserved, unrestrained, Your love is wild, Your love is wild for me.
It isn’t shy, it’s unashamed, Your love is proud to be seen with me.
You don’t give your heart in pieces, you don’t hide yourself to tease us.
Uncontrolled, uncontained, You love is a fire
Burning bright for me.
It’s not just a spark, it’s not just a flame, Your love is a light 
That all the world will see 
That all the world will see
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us. 
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us.
Your love’s not fractured, it’s not a troubled mind. 
It isn’t anxious, 
It’s not the restless kind.
Your love’s not passive, 
It’s never disengaged. 
It’s always present, 
It hangs on every word we say. 
Love keeps its promises, 
It keeps its word. 
It honors what’s sacred 
Cause its vows are good. 
Your love’s not broken, 
It’s not insecure. 
Your love’s not selfish, 
You love is pure.
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us. 
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us.
You don’t give your heart in pieces, You don’t hide yourself to tease us
Songwriters: Caroline Ailin / Philip Cook / Thomas Gregersen
Pieces lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Songtrust Ave, BMG Rights Management

 

Submission? Not for me!

Well, this was once how I felt.  God continues working with me on the issue of obedience and submission, and has for many years.
I have a very rebellious nature and have had to face this in my walk with the Lord.  God’s word equates rebellion to witchcraft, which was quite an eye opener for me.  (I Samuel 15:23 nkjv).
Through this realization, the Lord walks with me, teaching about submission and obedience. He is helping me understand true freedom is found when I am in right relationship with Him.  Right relationship is where I willingly yield to Him and obey without questioning.  In this posture, I acknowledge Him as sovereign over my life.  I seek Him, and only Him as my source of love, self-worth, and approval.
I know many women struggle with the concept of submission and obedience, and we all prickle a bit reading Ephesians 5:22, instructing women to submit to and obey their husbands.  They see this posture and position as weak and powerless.  Yet are we  missing the truth?  True power and freedom come from God.  As we turn our lives over to Him, follow His plan and seek wisdom from His word, He will give us the desires of our hearts.  The thing is, most of us do not even know the desires of our own hearts.  We get caught up in pride, the political issues and social mores of the day, and we let these guide us.  However, God sees past our facade and blustering words.  He knows exactly what our hearts long for; an intimacy that touches both body and soul.
God has been using the image of a wild, untamed horse to show me the condition of my heart.  Over the years He has used this image again and again to lead and guide me in a process of healing my heart.  He is my personal horse whisper…the one who in peace and gentleness whispers to my heart until all I desire is to chase after Him.  In this chasing, I am completely free and unrestrained, yet no longer wild.~♡