I Chose to Believe

Sometimes people move out of our lives quietly without explanation and we are left to wonder…

The enemy comes in and plays on all our insecurities, whispering carefully chosen words to make us doubt ourselves. We begin to question the integrity of the one who moved away from us, twist and distort the goodness and kind words exchanged.

Experiencing this at different times in my life, I came to trust people less. I became closed,  chosing to have an expectation that people would not stick around.

God continues to open my heart on this amazing journey and challenges all of my beliefs and attitudes about people and community. 

When I think of my Lord and Savior Jesus, the One I follow, I remember how He calls us to love one another and to bear one another’s burdens. It is then I choose to believe the best. I choose to believe when someone walks out of my life, I imagine them walking closely with the Holy Spirit, following as He directs.

I choose to believe they will find healing and resolution as they walk out the perfect will of the Lord for their life, the path He has prepared for them to serve in His Kingdom, glorifying His name.

When I choose to focus on love and kindness, believe in the best of who I know they are in our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, I feel perfect peace and know they are in God’s loving hands.  I see them clearly as a brother or sister in Christ and I find these thoughts have become a prayer. 

I choose to believe God is good and rest in the knowledge they love and serve Him. I choose to believe that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purposes.  I rest in the peace that passes all understanding, and smile for the time shared,  loving our Lord and praying for one another. ~♡

Harvest Moon

Today is the harvest moon. God gave me a promise five months ago, telling me it would be fulfilled come the harvest moon.  Gone is the season of sorrow, waiting, and mourning.  Today I am letting go.  Today in fulfillment of His promise I let go of the ‘very little hope’ I clung to and now realize is only holding me back from all God has for me  from this day forward.

God’s Promise in This Season

“In the soil now, I surrender,  You are breaking new ground.
So I yield to You and to Your careful hand.
When I trust You I don’t need to understand.”
I hear God speaking to me, telling me to open my hands.
I cannot hold on, I must open my hands and let go…
Open hands to receive.

In the soil now, I surrender…
A time to withdraw, stay still and quiet; a time to rest.
There is nothing else to do but obey and surrender…
I am not gone, nor am I buried and dead, for I am a seed.

You may not see me, hear me, however, I am here, filled with hope, promise, and love.
Water me with your love and prayers, and when the harvest moon rises, I’ll be in full bloom; God’s perfect work complete.

New Wine

In the crushing
In the pressing
You are making new wine.
In the soil I now surrender.
You are breaking new ground.

So I yield to You and to Your careful hand.
When I trust You I don’t need to understand.

Make me Your vessel,
Make me an offering,
Make me whatever You want me to be.
I came here with nothing,
But all You have given me.
Jesus bring new wine out of me.

In the crushing,
In the pressing,
You are making new wine.
In the soil I now surrender,
You are breaking new ground.
You are breaking new ground.
Where there is new wine,
There is new power,
There is new freedom,
The Kingdom is here.
I lay down my old flames,
To carry Your new fire today. 

Songwriters: Brooke Ligertwood
New Wine lyrics © Capitol Christian Music Group

Closure…

Have you ever had a conversation with someone not knowing it was the last time you would speak?  I’m not talking about a situation in which a death occurs, which is truly tragic and can cause pain and regret for years.  But a circumstance which makes it impossible to right a wrong, say those things which continue to haunt you causing a deep ache in your heart and a longing for a sense of closure.

For a month now I have been ruminating about that last phone conversation.  When the call finally came, I wasn’t ready for it emotionally.  I had given up believing it would ever come.  It’s timing was inconvenient, but I took the call because I had been waiting nearly a week to hear from you… talk over the phone and connect voice to voice.  I know you were dealing with life changing circumstances and were over tired and overwhelmed.  I was patient in my waiting, but the delay was revealing the truth ~ there was no longer space for me in your life.

When I picked up the call and heard your voice, my heart broke.  You told me what I already knew and was processing alone for days.  You were kind, made amends, even purposing a plan of continued contact to ease out of our friendship.  Given recent events in your life, continuing to stay in contact didn’t seem right or healthy.  I wanted to discuss this, but my time was pressed.  I was frustrated and impatient.  I regret this now… At one point you asked “So is this it then?!”  I said “No, you can call me in a week as you suggest. We can talk more then.”  I said a rushed goodbye, and when I hung up the phone, I felt as though I had a huge hole in my chest.  I felt as I had during the prior seven days waiting for your call.

The following morning I sent you an email with the subject “Boundaries”.  In it I absolved you of all responsibility or obligation to contact me ever again.  I also said I was open to hearing from you, but had no expectations.  I needed to be sure you were choosing not to continue to reach out to me and I wasn’t telling you not to.  Even as I write this, I feel sad and know I am completely crazy for writing this post.  It’s pointless. No good can come from reconnecting…even just once more with the hope of finding closure.

Maybe just writing what I wish I said will be enough.

I’m sorry I pressed ahead when I should have withdrawn and given you space.  I fear I may have added greater burden to your situation instead of providing support and respite.

I am sorry for a lack of healthy boundaries and not being more sensitive and in-tune with your less direct and gentle push-back.  Please forgive me.

I wish I had one last opportunity to support and encourage you as we parted ways.  I wish I could have told you how much I respect you and honor your decision.  One last chance to tell you changed my life for the better and I will always love you for this.

As I think of you now, I pray for your well being, strength, encouragement, and a complete restoration and healing for your family.  I pray healing for every member of your family and household.  I pray for fresh perspectives and new eyes to see as God sees.  I pray for a home and family filled with love, even as you face challenges and walk through life as flawed imperfect people.  I pray your trust is in the Lord and His promises.

This is it… what I needed to say.  I can post this or delete it… posting has a very slim chance of you seeing and reading it.  Maybe that 1% – 2% chance will be what I need to set the foundation for the closure I so badly crave.  (I pray dear Jesus, make it so!)

Be well, be blessed mi amigo.

~ Eliza ~♡